Useless Overthinking

Series: 2nd Installment for Health Issue and Anxiety of 4

Another year has passed, and my pap smear is due. I’m having another bout of prolonged spotting. It’s very timely that I need to go to the doctor for a check-up. I noticed that my spots’ color is crimsoned. I suspect it is not typical spotting. As a result, it is an indication that yes! Here we go again; I’m bleeding nonstop.

To give you some context, I was diagnosed with HPV66, a polycystic condition, and a hormonal imbalance. And, indeed! I’m one of those women out there trying to figure out how to get pregnant and hoping for a positive pregnancy test one day!

Helpful Reads: FAQs About HPV, HPV 66, is it deadly?,

This whole situation is becoming increasingly irritable day by day, week by week, month by month, and year by year. So I’m eager to get to the bottom of it! I went to the doctor today (not Dra. Rose). So, I’d like to see Dra. Rose, but I prefer not to go to a public hospital right now because I’d have to travel two hours to get there and because of the COVID-19 issue. So I researched and found a private Ob-gyn Clinic in our community that is only a 10-minute drive away.

Dr. Pinky (not her real name) examined my cervix and uterus and asked me to perform a Transvaginal Ultrasound. According to the ultrasound results:

  • Normal sized anteverted uterus with thick endometrium.
  • Posterior wall adenomyosis as described.
  • Normal both ovaries.

I’m now facing a new challenge! Except for having two normal ovaries, this is the first time I’ve heard any of these. I have two normal ovaries but have an abnormal uterus? Is my endometrium abnormal? I don’t even know what endometrium is. Is that why I’m constantly bleeding? How did I get this? What is adenomyosis? I thought I was done with HPV66 and hormonal imbalances? A slew of new questions arises in my mind.

I’m struck by useless overthinking once more! And for goodness sake, I can’t stop myself from thinking. I’m going back to the beginning! All of this anxiety has me arrested yet again!

Dr. Pinky told me that I have two options:

  • Have my uterus and other contributing structures inside me removed because they are causing me to have unwanted prolonged bleeding and may eventually cause chronic dysmenorrhea or myoma, or
  • Try hormonal therapy – pills.

She informed me that I have Adenomyosis. She also stated that this is a common problem for women and that many women who have this condition also have Endometriosis. And because of these, there is a chance that this is a significant contributing factor to my infertility.

Helpful Reads: FAQs about Adenomyosis, Life with Adenomyosis, Must Read About Depression

Everything I’ve heard has broken my heart! I absolutely don’t want to have any part of my body removed because I want to bear my child. Second, how will I get pregnant if I have to take pills every three or six months? What if I’m bleeding? If I continue to medicate? All of this is very frustrating. Emotionally and mentally upsetting.

To be honest, I’m thinking without thinking at this point. As much as I want to tell myself, ‘All is well,’ I’m still alive, I still have a chance, and we can find another way to have a child, and so on. All of this does not provide any comfort or ease. Yes, I’m taking notes. It’s nearly 2 a.m., and I need to eat to take my prescribed medications.

I need to fight; I need to stand up!

Written: 28th February 2020, 01:08 AM GMT 8+

Useless Overthinking - 52StirsLounge
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