Useless Overthinking

Series: 2nd Installment for Health Issue and Anxiety of 4

Another year has passed and it’s time for my annual papsmear test.  Again, I’m experiencing prolonged spotting.  It’s very timely that I need to go to the doctor for check-up.  I feel like it’s not the usual spotting because the color of it is reddish.  So, it’s an indication that, yes!  Here we go again; I’m having continual bleeding. 

To give you a little bit of a background, I was diagnosed having HPV 66 with polycystic condition, and having a hormonal imbalance.  And yes!  I’m one of those women out there trying to figure out how to conceive and hoping one day I get a positive pregnancy test!

This whole situation is really getting irritable day after day, week after week, months after months and year after year.  So, I want to get the bottom of it right away!  Today, I went to the doctor (not Dra. Rose this time).  Well, I want to have an appointment with Dra. Rose but because I need to travel 2 hours to get there plus the NCOV19 issue, I don’t want to go to public hospital at this point of time.  So, I researched and found a private Obgyne Clinic nearby our community which is only 10 minutes’ drive away from home.

Dra. Pinky (not her real name) did some physical check of my cervix and uterus and asked me to do a Transvaginal Ultrasound.  The ultrasound diagnosis says:

  • Normal sized anteverted uterus with thick endometrium.
  • Posterior wall adenomyosis as described.
  • Normal both ovaries.

I am now facing another challenge!  This is my first time to hear all of these except of having two normal ovaries.  I have two normal ovaries and yet I have an abnormal uterus? An abnormal endometrium?  Is that the reason why I continually bleed?  How did I acquire this?  I thought I am done with HPV66, with this hormonal imbalance issues?  A lot more questions run into my mind. 

Useless overthinking is striking me again! And I can’t help myself but to think.  I’m going back to square one!  All this anxiousness is arresting me yet again!

Dra. Pinky said that I have two options (1) is to remove my uterus and or other contributing structures inside me.  Because it caused me the unwanted prolonged bleeding and could eventually cause chronic dysmenorrhea or myoma. And (2) we will try hormonal therapy – pills.  She said that I have Adenomyosis.  She also mentioned that this is a common problem to women, and women with this condition also have Endometriosis.  And because of these, there’s a possibility that this is a huge contributing factor of me being infertile.

This has broken my heart!  One, I don’t want to remove any part of my body because I want to bear my child.  Two, how in the world will I be able to bear my child if I will continuously be taking pills every three or six months?   If I am bleeding? If I will continue medicating?  This is frustrating.  Very frustrating.

Honestly, at this point, I’m thinking without thinking.  As much as I want to tell myself that ‘All is Well’, I’m still alive, I still have a chance, and we can find an alternative way of having a child and so on. All these do not give any comfort and ease.  Yes, I’m writing this down.  It’s almost 2’oclock in the morning and I need to eat so I can take my prescribed meds.

I need to fight; I need to stand up!

Written: 28th February 2020, 01:08 AM GMT 8+

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